Dealing with Anger.
The Problem with Men is Anger – A Framework for Processing Emotions
Just in Time #220
1. His ego is wounded
2. He needs to be right (see 1)
3. His strength is threatened (see 1)
4. His power is questioned (see 1)
5. His body is wounded (see 1)
6. He is feeling fearful (see 1)
7. He is feeling sad (see 1)
Ultimately a man can find any reason to be angry if he wants. No list of excuses will be exhaustive.
No amount of rational thought is possible when a man is swimming in anger. His emotions overwhelm him. His rage can feel powerful, which is reason enough to stay angry.
If a man has the maturity to recognise that he is angry, he can process his anger so it can be released. Having the maturity to look closely at anger means a man must recognise that the source of his anger is within him. An immature man will blame others for his anger.
This framework can be used to release anger and explore the deeper emotions that sit below. The process works best when facilitated by a trusted man.
Step #1: Look inside at what sits below the anger. A deep breath and a connection to where the anger sits in the body will often reveal fear and sadness. Recognising that anger masks emotions is the first step to overcoming it. Take your time to connect with your emotions and be gentle with yourself.
Step #2: Consider the data or the facts that surround the circumstances that led to feeling angry. Ask yourself who was involved and what happened. Write this information down; it helps to slow down the rollercoaster of emotions that might be going on. Facts only, no judgements about the people or the circumstances.
Step #3: Now you can get to the judgements. State to yourself or write down your judgements about the people and the events surrounding the circumstances that led to being angry. Don’t hold back on the judgements; stating them helps release the anger.
Notice how facts are separated from judgements. It is important to differentiate between the two.
Step #4: Interrogate how the anger is mostly your own rather than the result of the actions of others. In this step, you own your part in the circumstances surrounding your anger.
A man’s ultimate sign of maturity is to notice his anger, recognise that it is all his, and then release it. Holding on to anger is to sit in a place of weakness and victimhood.
Justin Spencer-Young
fastforwardbusiness.substack.com
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Your Daily Shot of contemplation.
It seems to me when I listen to the international and local political news that we are all at war or a low-grade war with each other Ukraine, Ethiopia, and others locally. Yet at a personal level, we all bump along with each other. We understand that the media always report stories at the extreme end of the spectrum, leaving the more mundane and human stories out of the mix. Those stories don’t sell copy or get hits on Utube. This is why on Utube the content rarely actually covers the tagline or the clickbait that got us there.
For these extreme stories to take place it seems that within humanity is a store of anger just waiting for an opportunity to find expression. This is where I thought to start with this, the anger within us.
The anger within.
Once there was a monk who was the leader in a monastery for men, He joined the monastery to find peace so he could meditate. However, it was soon discovered that he had a flair for organisation and so found himself in charge of the day-to-day running of the monastery. For those of us who have a family or head up a department, there are always people who need permission for exceptions to rules and need direction. Our monk found it increasingly difficult to find a quiet space to meditate without interruption. He became increasingly angry at these interruptions, soon he was known as grumpy. (When we practice something, we become good at it, especially negative emotions) One day he hit upon a brilliant idea, there was a lake nearby and he would hire a rowboat and go out onto the lake drop anchor and ger some peace to meditate without interruption.
So, that’s how that was, here he was sitting in the middle of the lake and meditating, just hearing the wind, the birds, and the slap of waves against the boat. All of this was going great when he felt a bump against the boat, All the anger of his previous disturbances came rising up within him, in that instance, he assumed that somebody had rowed out to ask him something. When he opened his eyes, he saw that the boat that hit him was empty and was blowing it away in the wind.
At that moment he realised the Anger was within him.
Projection In this way, we learn about Projection. Projection is the first way we come face to face with the content of our own unconscious. The stuff we put in the long bag we drag behind us to ensure our emerging Ego is not overwhelmed in our formative years. If the anger is inside us, we must have somebody to blame. Putin blames Ukraine, and like the old Sicilian saying “If you start a vendetta dig two graves” In this way, the axiom “Before you stand your teacher” has never been more true. What to do? What to do? What to do? Well, this little poem by David Whyte could offer us one answer.
The first step is to stop having the conversation we are having now.
Fall still and listen.
To turn our head to the side and look from another point of view.
To be invitational in that moment and wait to be informed.
Then to be powerfully and authentically vulnerable.
It’s where you need to be.
Half a step into self-forgetting and the rest restored by what you’ll meet.
There is a road always beckoning.
When you see the two sides of it closing together at that far horizon
and deep in the foundations of your own heart at exactly the same time,
that’s how you know it’s the road you have to follow.
That’s how you know it’s where you have to go.
That’s how you know you have to go. That’s how you know.
Just beyond yourself, it’s where you need to be.
Just beyond yourself. David Whyte